Friday, October 29, 2004

Hooray! I got accepted to Tech! My mom called me this morning with the news. I'm so excited and at the very same time, so very scared. Tech is known for having the most beautiful gals in Texas...lol... Hooray for me! I was thumbing through my Chrysalis stuff the other night at the house and I am came upon something wonderful. It will take forever to type but I think it's absolutely perfect for the way I feel and the way I know most girls feel. Anyway... here it goes.

I made her..she is different.
She's unique.
With love I formed her in her
Mother's womb
I fashioned her with great joy
I remember, with great pleasure,
the day that I created her.
(Psalms 139:13-16)
I love her smile
I love her ways
I love to hear her laugh
And the silly things
she says and does.
She brings me great pleasure
This is how I made her.
(Psalms 139:17)
I made her pretty and not beautiful
Because I knew her heart,
And I knew she would be vain...
I wanted her to learn that it would be
me in ther that would make her beautiful...
And it would be me in her
that would draw friends to her.
(1 Peter 3:3-5)
I made her in such a way
that she would need me.
I made her a little more lonesome
than she would like to be...
Only because I need for her to learn
and depend on me.
I know her heart, I know if I had not
made her like this
She would go her own chosen way
And forget me... her Creator.
(Psalms 62:5)
Because I love her, I have seen her
broken heart...
And the tears she cried alone
I have cried with her,
And had a broken heart too.
(Psalms 56:8)
Many times she has stumbled and
fallen alone,
Only because she would not
hold my hand.
So many lessons
she's learned the hard way,
because she would not listen
To My Voice.
(Isaiah 53:6)
I want her to be conformed to
My Image...
This high goal I have set for her
Because I love her.
(II Corinthians 2:14)
I am her God.
After I read this the other night(and then proceeded to bawl my eyes out for awhile) I realized that all these things were so true and that the only thing holding me back from my contentment is me. It's such a stupid hard concept to deal with and I know that I'll never full be satisfied like I should but hey, every little bit helps!

Friday, October 15, 2004

I can't explain the rain,
It just seems to fall
Each time we're taking a walk outside
This road may seem long
But it's the road that we're on
And unless you can fly us away
I guess we'll stay

So for all those people out there who know how flaky I am (probably everyone that has met me) I have decided to go to Texas Tech in January. My dad really randomly said the other night..."Well maybe she just needs us to tell her what to do....and she just needs to go to Tech...next semester." I took that as a long awaited 'sign' and got the process rolling. I am scared to death but I am so sick of not ever doing anything about my state. I complain and complain that I don't know what I doing with my life and that I don't know where I am going to go and yet I never seem to do anything about it... until now. I was going to apply to UT but the deadline was October 1 whereas Tech's is December 1(gotta love that Tech). So, I took that as yet another sign. I honestly don't even care at this point if it is the right thing because I really feel like the most important thing is that I am doing something. I may be back in a semester but I'm hoping that this is that big leap that I have needed to take for a long time. "Good luck exploring the infinite abyss!"

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Have you ever spent so much time with yourself that you begin to notice every single tiny little fault? Usually, you spend so much time around other people that you don't notice so much that you have a stupid laugh, or that your eyes are not even, or that you are one of the weakest individuals you know? I have had to unfortunate pleasure of really getting to know myself since I finally took the plunge and moved out of my house. It never really dawned on me until these past two must just how little self esteem I have. I guess I used to be able to hide it from myself even pretty well, but I'm afraid it's come out in full force. I find it interesting that weakness can be so strong. I honestly hate feeling this way but I don't know how to fix it. I have the constant feeling that I am doing something wrong, that I am making the wrong choice, or saying the wrong thing. My insecurities have completely overtaken me and I don't know how to get back. I used to think that I couldn't sleep because I just wasn't tired. Come to find out, I don't sleep because I lay in bed at night thinking of all the things that I could be doing with and for myself and others. I've tried to shift my thoughts into something more productive and more selfless but it just doesn't happen. I have such an issue with free will. I can totally make my mind up to do something and then two seconds later by stupid free will is completely taking over and screwing things up. I don't know how to change and I want to in the worst sort of way...help.