Friday, November 26, 2004

Uuuuugggghhhh(Done Napolean Dynomite style). Once again I am a reatard that can't sleep. I really think that there are 2 kinds of people in the world, those who can sleep, and those who stay up into the wee hours of the morning thinking about their faults. Unfortunately, I am the latter of the two. I really do try to be satisfied with who I am but everywhere I look there is something better and I hate that I am not that something better. My whole existance is surrounded with those who in my eyes are better. That's just ridiculous and I know this, but yet I can never seem to do anything about it. I am so scared that I will turn to something that hurts me or those around me. For some reason I am so scared to just be who I am. I keep thinking about that quote from Garden State, the one that says,"We may not always be as happy as we dreamed we'd be, but for once, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is are." I so wish that I could be that...just exatly what I am... nothing more and nothing less. This just really hurts.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Why is it that my bed always seems to be so much more comfortable in the mornings when I have to get out of it than at night when I'm suppose to be in it? One of those things I guess. Anywho, I'm tired and I have to babysit to being a sucker and boo to yuppy moms having a jewelry party! Maybe it will pay well! You know in the mornings I always feel like I should just stay in my bed for the whole day. That way, at least I"ll know that I won't screw anything up, that I won't say something I should have, that I won't do something I'll regret, and so on and so on. There was a prayer thing that came out sometime when I was in elementary school about telling God I haven't made any mistakes today, and I've been nothing but good and so on and so on and then at the very end of the prayer it says "but pretty soon I'm going to have to get out of bed and I'm sure that will all change." I know it seemed kind of just funny at the time but I gotta tell you, I often feel that it's not that far off. Waking up in the morning is perfection. God has given me another day to do with it what I shall, and at that moment things could not be in better harmony. Maybe I'll try that some Saturday...just staying in bed all day and not letting anything about the day become corrupted, but it won't be this Saturday... that's for sure. Cleaning house for the family at Thanksgiving...Hooray!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004


Yesterday was a good day. I didn't think it would be concidering it was Monday and I had a ton o' pointless crap to do. But, somehow, it was just a good day. I like good days. Good days make for a good mood. After I did my Ethics notebook last night(in about 45 minutes) I enjoyed a little Mystery Science Theatre with my brother and Geeves. I'm afraid that coffee with Katherine has brought about new anxieties for me. The whole idea that none of what I am doing matters is really starting to get to me. Luckily, these grades don't matter because I am already accepted to Tech, but I have to ask myself about whether or not I will care about what I am doing once I get out there. I have had a lot of 'on my chair' moments lately (although, I do not have a sturdy chair to stand on so I usually just imagine that I am standing on the chair, which doesn't have the same affect but close enough to it. ) Ashley just got one of those Nissan Z's. Needless to say, I am jealous. I love my car but the fact that she got one of those crazy things just blows my mind. I'm afraid that I have a real problem with jealousy, especially when it comes to Ashley. I hate that because she is my best friend and should just be happy for her. Up until I found out about her Z I did at least have a better car than her, but now.... I got nothing. What a bummer! Hmm... that's enough random thoughts for now. P.S. Why is the color on the box never the color of my hair when I am finished dying it? I was just wondering about that.